Case Study: Concerned or Controlling?

In relationships, care and concern are vital components of a healthy partnership. However, these qualities can sometimes blur into controlling behaviour, which can harm the relationship and an individual’s well-being. Understanding the difference between genuine concern and controlling behaviour is essential for identifying healthy dynamics. 

This case study illustrates some key distinctions between a concerned partner and a controlling one.

Meet Sarah and Emily

Sarah and Emily have been in a committed relationship for two years. While they care deeply for each other, challenges in communication and behaviour have arisen. Let’s examine two scenarios to see how concern and control manifest differently. 

Scenario 1: Social Interactions

Concerned Partner:   Sarah notices that Emily seems emotionally drained after spending time with a particular friend who often criticises her choices. Sarah says, “I’ve notices that you seem upset after seeing Claire. Is everything okay? If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” 

Sarah expresses her observations and offers support without dictating Emily’s choices. She respects Emily’s autonomy to manage her friendships and seeks to understand rather than control. 

Controlling Partner:  Sarah becomes upset when Emily plans to see Claire. She says, “I don’t like Claire; she’s a bad influence on you. You shouldn’t spend time with her anymore. If you care about me, you’ll stop seeing her.”

Sarah’s behaviour crosses into control. Instead of supporting Emily, she tries to dictate who Emily can spend time with, making it about her own preferences rather than Emily’s well-being. 

Scenario 2: Personal Appearance

Concerned Partner:   Emily decides to get a new hairstyle. Sarah comments “That’s exciting! I bet you’ll look great with any style you choose. If you want a second opinion on anything, let me know – I’d love to help”.

This response shows support and encouragement. Sarah respects Emily’s decision-making and offers input only if Emily seeks it. 

Controlling Partner:  When Emily mentions wanting to change her hairstyle, Sarah says “Why would you do that? I like your hair the way it is. Don’t’ change it – you’ll regret it, and I won’t like it”. 

This reaction undermines Emily’s autonomy and pressures her to conform to Sarah’s preference. 

Scenario 3: Work and Independence

Concerned Partner:   Emily has been working late frequently, and Sarah notices she is becoming increasingly tired. Sarah says “I’ve noticed you’ve been working a lot lately. Are you okay? Do you need help balancing things? I want to make sure you’re not burning yourself out”. 

Sarah is showing genuine concern for Emily’s wellbeing, offering support without imposing demands. 

Controlling Partner:  Sarah tells Emily, “You’re working too much. You need to cut back your hours. I don’t like how much you’re spending away from me. If you don’t change this, it’ll affect our relationship”. 

Sarah’s behaviour is controlling. She prioritises her feelings over Emily’s work goals and independence, using guilt and ultimatums to manipulate her. 

Scenario 4: Financial Control

Concerned Partner:   Emily shares with Sarah that she’s been struggling to stick to her monthly budget due to unexpected expenses. Sarah responds, “I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed about money. If you’d like, we can sit down and go over your budget together or look for ways to reduce expenses. I want to help if I can.”

This response reflects care and collaboration. Sarah offers support and solutions while respecting Emily’s financial independence. 

Controlling Partner:  After noticing Emily’s spending habits, Sarah says, “You’re terrible with money. From now on, I’ll handle your bank account and decide what you can spend. You can’t be trusted with this on your own.” 

Sarah’s behaviour becomes controlling. Instead of offering support, she undermines Emily’s ability to manage her own finances and tries to take full control, disregarding Emily’s autonomy and financial rights. 

Key Differences Between Concern and Control

Addressing Controlling Behaviour

If controlling behaviour is present in a relationship, it is important to address it early. 

• Open Communication: Express how the behaviour affects you and set clear boundaries.
• Seek Support: Speak with a trusted friend, family member or counsellor. 
• Reflect on the Relationship: If the behaviour persists, consider whether the relationship align with your values and needs. 

Can I Leave?

If you’re feeling like you need to leave the relationship, there are ways you can seek help and support.

• Contact the police
• Speak to friends and family
• Contact Domestic Abuse charities 
• Seek legal advice, including a potential application for a Non-Molestation Order. 

If you feel you need advice, please get in touch via our contact page or contact Sigourney Lee-Smith direct (01295 204009 or slee-smith@se-solicitors.co.uk).